A Sarika Patel script for Dr OP Productions
Scene 1
(A run-down, sleazy blues club, where sultry singer Eva Ethanol is pouring her heart out to anyone who's listening.)
Eva: (singing) ...thionyl chloride, baby, why don't you come over and chlorinate me...
Compound at bar: (thinking) Damn!! I've never seen such a gorgeous OH bond in my life. And that perfectly straight alkane chain is making my bonds quiver! I gotta go talk to her.
Eva: (finishing up her song, weak applause in the background) Thank you, thank you very much. Good night folks, it was a pleasure. (under her breath, walking towards the bar) Yeah, right. I just want to get the hell out of here, go home, and soak my poor hydrogens in a tub of hot water. (calls out to bartender) Gilman! I'll have a vodka, straight up.
Compound at Bar: Excuse me miss, I just want to tell you that I thought you were wonderful tonight. That voice of yours...!!! Wow!!! (practically drooling)
Eva: (wary, and a little disgusted) Umm...thanks buddy. (downing her drink and turning to bartender) O.k. Gilman, that's it for me, I'm heading home. See you tomorrow night. (stands up ready to leave)
Compound at Bar: (scrambling to stand) No, wait!! (extending hydrogen) Umm...my name's Pete... Pete Propanol. Please, let me buy you another drink.
Eva: (if looks could kill) Listen buddy, it's been a long day, I've been up since the crack of dawn, I hauled my ass to work early so I could leave early, I've been hit on by more thionyl chlorides and potassium tribromides than you could shake a stick at, my hydrogens are killing me, and the last thing I need is another sorry alcohol like yourself pawing at me. Get a life!! (storms off)
Pete: (dazed) Wow, Gilman, she's something, huh? She'll be here tomorrow night, right?
Gilman: (nodding, feeling sorry for the fella) Yeah, she will, but don't expect her to be any nicer to you than she was today. That's about as sweet as those alcohols get, no offense.
Pete: (laughs, finishes up drink and stands up) Don't I know it, but thanks for the warning. I'll be back tomorrow and I can guarantee you that I'll walk out of here with Ms. Eva on my bond. (leaves)
Gilman: (shaking his head, chuckling to himself, can't wait to see the fireworks tomorrow night)
Scene 2
(the night after, same time, same place, same compounds. A conversation is taking place between two suspicious patrons. Unbeknown to the other compounds, these two patrons are Chlorine and Fluorine, henchmen of the notorious Thaddeus Thionyl Chloride, who is obsessed with Eva and wishes to kidnap her and chlorinate her so that he can make more and more luscious alcohols, just like herself)
Chlorine: (speaking in hushed tones, staring up at Eva who is on stage singing) O.k., Fluorine, let's go over this one more time. Once she's finished up here, I'll go outside and you're going to go tell her that you think somebody broke into her car. She'll rush out to see what happened, I'll nab her and then we'll leave. Got it?
Fluorine: (looking bored) Yeah, yeah, whatever. You just make sure nobody catches on or thinks that there's something [electro] negative going on here, all right. (at the bar, Pete looking extremely dapper, his hydrogens shined to perfection and his OH group gleaming, waits anxiously for Eva to finish her set so he can turn on the charm)
Eva: (hits the final note of the evening, says her thank yous, curses under her breath for a lousy evening, rushes towards the bar for a stiff drink and a nearly does a 180 when she sees Pete)
Gilman: (braces himself for fireworks, and sets a vodka, straight up, in front of Eva)
Eva: (looking at Gilman suspiciously, and darting her eyes back and forth to Pete) What's this?
Pete: Hi Eva, that was a great set. I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty and buying you a drink since you turned me down yesterday. You do take vodka, straight up, right?
Eva: (nods her head, too tired to argue, mumbles something unintelligible) Thanks, Pete, but I prefer to buy my own drinks. (opens her mouth to say something when Fluorine approaches her)
Fluorine: Excuse me, miss, I think somebody broke into your car.
Eva: WHAT!!!!! (jumps out of her seat knocking it over, spills her drink everywhere and rushes for the door as Fluorine follows and with Pete in close pursuit)
Scene 3
(parking lot of the club, where Chlorine is waiting) (Eva rushes out looking for her car as Chlorine grabs her. Startled, she screams and struggles as he restrains her bonds and bundles her into the back of his getaway car. Pete rushes out just in time to see Chlorine peel away with Eva in the back and he wonders what the hell is going on. Fluorine tries to keep him at bay and a vicious struggle ensues. In a matter of seconds, they are nothing but a tangle of bonds rolling around on the asphalt. Suddenly, Fluorine pulls out a bottle of Jones reagent and advances on Pete menacingly, threatening to turn him into a carboxylic acid if he tries anything funny)
Fluorine: All right, buddy, back off and no one will get hurt.
Pete: What's going on?? Why did you kidnap Eva?
Fluorine: (although the most negative atom in the world, certainly not the brightest...) You can't save her, you'll never find Thaddeus. (suddenly realizing what he's said, all of his electrons rush from his face and Pete catches him off guard long enough to throw a punch, and knock him out)
Pete: (rubbing his now sore hydrogen) Man, does that guy have one dense nucleus! (runs towards his car) Now to follow that foul smelling trail all the way to Thaddeus' secret hideout and rescue Eva! (guns engine and is soon in hot pursuit of Chlorine and Eva)
Scene 4
(dark, gloomy, underground dwelling where Thaddeus, Chlorine, and a now captive Eva are waiting for the perfect moment to execute Thaddeus' evil plan)
Eva: (securely tied to a chair) This totally succinimides!! How dare you! Who the hell do you think you are?! Just wait until I get out of these ropes, Thaddeus, I'm going to pull each of your chlorines off so s-l-o-w-l-y, one by one, you'll be begging me to stop.
Thaddeus: (laughs so hard he's practically coughing up electrons ) Sure honey, I think all of the alcohol has gone to your head! There's nothing you can do, so don't even worry your pretty little self about figuring out how you're going to escape, because you're not. However, just in case you're stupid enough to try and get away, I have a little surprise for you. (Pulls out a dark bottle containing some sort of chemical) If you give me any trouble whatsoever, a small amount of this will turn you into a carbonyl so fast it'll make your bonds spin. (smiling nastily) Any idea as to what's in here?
Eva: (face as white as a sheet, terror seeping out of her rigid structure) PCC???? Oh my God, you wouldn't dare. Please don't bring that stuff near me. If I lose my hydroxy group, my singing career is over. (on the verge of fainting)
Thaddeus: (walking over to Eva) Oh my dear, your voice is the reason I want you. I suppose there would be no harm done in letting you in on my little plan. (turns to Chlorine) Chlorine, go back to the club and see what's taking your idiot of a brother so long. Sometimes I wonder whether you and Fluorine have completely lost your electrons, or are you both naturally pathetic.
Chlorine: (exits the hideout looking a little peeved)
Thaddeus: (turning back to Eva) You are going to serve as the template of creation. With your hydroxy group, and my chlorines, I'm going to invent a group of singing alcohols with angelic voices such as your own. Of course, my brother Milo Magnesium will help to make the perfect Grignard reagent, and then we'll react with all of the little carbonyls, esters and nitriles that Chlorine and Fluorine so kindly kidnapped for me. We'll take the organic world by storm and I'll be richer than anyone could imagine. We'll be unstoppable!! (suddenly, Pete roars up and screeches to a halt. He scrambles out of the car just in time to see Thaddeus' disgustingly gross chlorine atom advance on Eva's beautiful hydroxy group)
Pete: (lunges forward) STOP!!! I'm warning you Thaddeus, one more step and you'll wish you had never been synthesized.
Thaddeus: (confused for a split second) What...? Who...? (suddenly, he whips out the PCC and advances toward Eva menacingly) Listen pal, I don't know who you are, and I could care less, but I think you'd better take your alcohol-ic self out of here before someone gets hurt.
Pete: (sticks his hand in his pocket and pulls out his own "little secret") Oh yeah? Well, I think you'd better get away from the lady, or they'll be sweeping up your broken bonds for weeks, if you get my drift.
Thaddeus: (amused at Pete's gall and obviously thinks he's flipped his lid) Mm hmm, and what exactly are you going to do to me, kid?
Pete: This!!! (he throws the contents of his pocket directly at Thaddeus, and with a girly scream, a lot of hissing, fizzing and bubbling, Thaddeus dissolves into a puddle on the floor)
Eva: (extremely dumbfounded) Pete!! God, am I glad to see you! What did you do to him?
Pete: I stopped off for some acetamide on the way because I figured it would come in handy. What you see before you is methyl nitrile and hydrochloric acid, and the bubbling was sulfur dioxide gas.
Eva: What a mess!! That definitely had to hurt. All right Pete, get me out of these ropes because I can hardly feel any of my hydrogens. Those monsters tied me so tight that they practically cut off all electron flow to my extremities.
Pete: Absolutely my dear, but only if you promise to let me buy you that vodka, straight up.
Eva: (smiling) Sure, why not.
Pete: See, I knew all of you female alcohols were not so bad... (Pete and Eva walk out of the secret hideout, hydrogen in hydrogen)
Scene 5
(two years later, in a quiet suburban town in Organicia, Pete and Eva are happily married and quite inseparable. The "chemistry" between them is unmistakable and other compounds often wonder whether it is the polar attraction between their hydroxy groups or the nonpolar attraction between their alkane chains that keeps their marriage together. A year ago, a new addition to their family was Melissa Methanol, and the Alcohols couldn't be happier as they read Alice in Etherland to their daughter)
Pete: (smiling giddily at Eva as she holds the little compound) Aww, honey, she's perfect.
Eva: (smiling back) I know, she's beautiful. She's got 3 perfect little hydrogens, 1 perfect little carbon, and an even more perfect hydroxy group. She's going to be a real firecracker when she gets older.
Pete: I hope not. You know how flammable they are at that age! I remember when I first met you at the club: you were gorgeous. I couldn't take my eyes off of you and you wouldn't even give me the time of day. I can't tell you how much you hurt my carbons, brushing me off like that, and then... (voice slowly fades away in the background)
Scene 6
(A run-down, sleazy blues club)
Gilman: (shaking the club's singer gently to wake her up) Eva!! Eva? Wake up sweetie, you're on in five minutes.
Eva: (groggily raises her head) Huh? Where am I?
Gilman: (chuckles softly) Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you're still at work, you still have two more sets to finish and you've been asleep for the last half hour. I've been stalling for you as much as I could, but you need to clean yourself up and get back on stage.
Eva: (absolutely incredulous) Gilman, you wouldn't believe the dream I had!! You were in it and so was this guy, and then this other guy kidnapped me and then the first guy came and rescued me, and we had a lovely little baby, and it was so nice!!
Gilman: Well, you have some imagination kid. (hands her a vodka, straight up) Here, this is from that fella over there. He really enjoyed your singing so he wanted to buy you a drink.
Eva: (looks across bar to see a vaguely familiar face) Who is it?
Gilman: (scratching his coppery surface, trying to remember the name) Umm...what was it again...? P... Propane...? Ahh, yeah. His name's Propanol, Pete Propanol. (Eva looks up at Gilman in complete disbelief and her glass falls cleanly from her hand, shattering into a million little pieces)